Thursday, March 22, 2012

Diagnosis Timeline

WHEN I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH WHAT (yes, I know some of these are the same thing but with a  different name; I've seen about 13 different doctors)
  1. Manic Depression----------------------------------------------Age 16
  2. Anorexia Nervosa----------------------------------------------Age 17
  3. Major Depressive Disorder-------------------------------------Age 19
  4. Generalized Anxiety Disorder-----------------------------------Age 20
  5. Panic Disorder--------------------------------------------------Age 21 (?)
  6. Bipolar I-Rapid Cycling-----------------------------------------Age 22
  7. Bulimia----------------------------------------------------------Age 23 (?)
  8. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---------------------------------Age 24
  9. Social Anxiety Disorder-----------------------------------------Age 25 (?)
  10. Schizophrenia---------------------------------------------------Age 27
  11. Body Dysmorphic Disorder-------------------------------------2002
  12. (unspecified personality disorder)-------------------------------2002
  13. Borderline Personality Disorder---------------------------------2004
  14. Multiple Personality Disorder------------------------------------2005
  15. Dissociative Identity Disorder------------------------------------2007 
  16. (unspecified mood disorder)--------------------------------------2010 
  17. (unspecified dissociative disorder)--------------------------------2012

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Paranoia Will Destroy Ya

Paranoia wraps itself around me like a python, squeezing me tighter and tighter until it's difficult to breathe.  I can't shake it off.  Every little thing warrants suspicion and I see hidden agendas everywhere-they're out to get me, I just know it.  All of them.  It seems as though each person I meet has some ulterior motive, some evil reason to pretend to be on my side when in all actuality they are poised to strike me down. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as everyone seems in on it, this secret plot to deceive me. No one can be trusted-not them, not you...At this point, not even myself. Time to recede back into the shadows...Time to pretend we don't exist.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Shut Up Already!

K has a big fucking mouth and she just will not shut up. God! She embarrasses us to death! She must drive everyone crazy with her ramblings. On and on. She never stops. I'm not sure which K was in charge yesterday, but I'm ashamed of her. She completely crossed the line and talked to too many people, gave out too much personal information, and even shared some of our secrets.  We, the K's, are very angry with her for this lapse in judgement.  I'm not sure who she was, but she's a talker.

Man, she would not be silenced, and she spoke quickly (according to Husband) and loudly (according to our mother) and I'm totally humiliated today.  We had a couple of friends over last night, and I'm afraid that K got on their nerves.  Now, they gave no indication that this had happened last night, I'm just assuming that if this K got on our nerves, then she got on everyone else's as well.  I'm terrified of going back through my Tweets; God only knows what all was said and to whom.  It's a sad fact that even though I seem to recall a number of different conversations, I'm not certain today who those conversations were with.  This is quite common with us, in fact it's pretty much a daily occurrence in our life.  So every morning, whomever is out and about is supposed to go back through our Tweets and text messages and emails and Facebook posts, and try and piece together what happened the day before.  This doesn't always take place--a lot of times we forget to do this.  It depends on which K is in charge. Some of us are very self-conscious and worry incessantly about what was said and done the previous day and will not relax until we've read all those pieces of information which are available to us via computer or phone or handwritten journal entries.  Some days we find that K didn't talk to anyone at all, or she just barely interacted with others, choosing to show herself only to those certain few with whom she feels comfortable and who she likes and trusts (to some degree, not completely of course).  Just today our husband told us that there are days in which we talk a great deal (like yesterday) and days in which we stay quiet and hardly talk at all.  He knows now that these are different K's, and he's come to accept that.  He even admitted to me this morning that he very much likes the one he calls Switch Kellie, the one who first showed herself to him for a week back in January.  It seems to me that Dr. H, our psychiatrist, got to meet her too.  I really can't remember.  I suppose I should take the time everyday to re-read all the blog posts and journal entries so that I know exactly where we stand, mentally speaking, and so that we have knowledge of our prior behavior and activities.  But I've come to realize within the past 24 hours that I have a good many blog entries at this point, or at least more than I have time to read over again everyday.  Time is short, especially when you are someone who tends to lose time on a regular basis, and so we can't afford to spend too much of it refreshing our memory of the past several months.  We just have to check our day-to-day activities and interactions, and hope for the best, i.e. hope that we don't say something inappropriate or ask a stupid question (again) or in any way give away the secret that we actually don't remember much of anything that happened to us the day or night before.  Hell, we can't even remember what happened to us a few hours ago, much less days or months ago.  So everyday is like a crap shoot for us...We have to decide which blog posts to read, how many texts and Tweets to go back through, and how far back in our journal to explore, and all of these decisions will, in the end, affect our ability to carry on conversations with Tweeps or friends which make sense and follow the proper timeline. Since K has no concept of time, she usually can't recall when something happened to her, even if it happened that very morning or sometimes even in the past half hour.  I can't stress enough how frustrating this is, not just to K, but to all those parties involved.  K always ends up looking foolish, but she tries to play it off by just pretending that she'd been drunk or drugged at the time.  That's her fall-back excuse: that she was too impaired to remember things properly.  And the thing is, most of the time it works.  Most people really do believe that her forgetfulness is caused by pot-smoking or alcohol or all those pills K has to ingest every day.  We worry that our friends will figure out our secret at some point, hell I guess some of them have already figured it out by this time... I guess our memory loss is severe enough to be quite noticeable to everyone who's around us frequently.  I wonder what they think about that. I wonder if they think K is an idiot.  Or just a stupid pothead. 

Here's a good example of how easily we forget things: I am unable to remember what this blog post is about. I can't recall what I've just typed, and can't remember unless I scroll back up to the beginning and read it all over again.  I hesitate to do that, as it not only makes the perfectionist within us go crazy and try to correct each and every little mistake and we could end up spending hours rewriting this whole blog entry, but it also breaks the stream of consciousness which I like to just let go of and see where it leads us.  So I'm stuck now, stuck here in this situation in which I can't remember what I was talking about, but I don't really have time to find out, and so I'll just flounder and  flail about and try to compose some sort of blog post which has an understandable point and which all ties in together somehow.  I know, in my heart, that this is not going to happen.  I know that I will repeat myself, not just today and tonight but probably in this post alone, and that I do so all the time.  All the time.  Sigh. So much wasted time. So many lost memories.  Some of which we're glad to be rid of, others which could really help us in our recovery process if only we'd remember them.  It could be that every time K goes to therapy, she starts all over again, from the beginning, with her therapist. 

 I'm having a memory clip play in my mind right now, and it's showing me my doctor, and she's explaining to us that we've discussed these things before, whatever these things may be. I can see her looking at us, with this look in her eye, that says "I've told you this a hundred times".  I wonder if she and I are making any progress at all in K's treatment.  I wonder if she'll decide I'm too difficult to treat and just give up on me ever getting better, and dump us as a patient.  Our last therapist dumped us for forgetting too many appointments.  What if this doctor does the same thing? What if we get dropped again, and any progress which has been made is lost, and we must once again go to a new doctor, and spend the approximate 2 years it always takes for them to get an idea of what's really wrong with us? This would be a tragedy.  I don't know what makes me think this, but I have an idea that we, the K's, have gone further in our therapy with this current psychiatrist than we've ever come with any one prior to her.  We are learning, we are taking steps toward healing. We've made some progress.  I know this because I read some of our journal and some of our blog and I found that we're starting to remember things from our childhood.  Now K is absolutely terrified at the thought of having total recall of her childhood trauma(s).  She's not sure that she wants to remember, but some people (we can't remember who now) have told us that we can't truly heal unless we face our fears head-on.  So in order to get better, we have to see what all the fuss is about-we have to relive the horror that must've taken place at about age 4 (we've gleaned this information from the memories we've recovered and from old diary entries).

Shit.  I just paused to take a drink of water and I've once again lost my place and have no idea what I was talking about.  I don't want to read this post again. Maybe I should just shut the hell up.  Maybe I've said a whole lot of nothing.  I wouldn't be surprised at that. Not at all.  If only our brain would stay on track for more than just minutes at a time!  If only we could focus long and hard enough to finish a blog post!  Have any of our previous blog posts made sense or had a message?  Has this entire blog been a huge waste of my time, and yours, the reader's?  I shall stop now, for the shame and embarrassment is overtaking me at this point.  I'll just go take a pill and try and forget my humiliation.  It just popped into my mind that I could have blog posts which look and sound pretty much exactly like this one... now wouldn't that be funny and sad at the same time?  All I can really remember right now is that yesterday there was a K here who had a big mouth and wouldn't stop talking and spilled the beans to just about anyone and everyone and now, today, right now, the K that's doing the typing of this post is completely humiliated and feels as though everyone out there in the cyber world is laughing at us.  Are you laughing at us?  Do all of you make fun of us all the time?  Am I the laughing stock of Twitter?  Or is this just K's paranoia taking control of our mind and twisting things around so that K looks like a failure at everything she's attempted to do with this blog?  What was this blog post about again? Oh yes. One more thing, before I forget (HAHA!), I'd like to apologize to all those Tweeps with whom I had interactions yesterday and last night and even early this morning. I'm very sorry that I talked your ears off.  I'm sorry that I was a nuisance.  I'm sorry if I bothered you, or if I've been bothering you for quite some time now.  I really can't remember what's been happening since...well, I don't know.  I just can't remember.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Not Too Early To Tweet

It's 7:04 A.M. and I'm up with no one to talk to or nothing to do and I can't make any noise or else we'll wake somebody up so I can't vacuum or anything like that and I can't leave the house so taking a walk is out of the question and I just don't know what to do with myself.  So many voices in my head, all talking at once, each one trying to be heard over the others. I'm being told to eat, to go back to bed, to blog, to make a list of today's errands, to wash our hair, to give ourselves a pedicure, to draw pictures in our sketch diary, and someone wants a cigarette. Several of us want to write, just in different places-one wants to write in our journal, one wants to sketch in our diary, and a couple want to blog.  I guess blogging wins, as it has the most votes.  Our psychiatrist is going to be disappointed in us (she wants handwritten journal entries). Oh well.  We don't care right now. Another K can handle that task. The Good Daughter will be here once Mom wakes up, and she's trying to spend less time on the computer and pay more attention to her family, so I guess I better blog in a hurry.

It's been a strange couple of days (or has it been weeks? We're just not sure) and I find that we are missing Twitter.  We think it's time to go back to Tweeting, which is our outlet, where we share honest thoughts and actions and where we are free to be whomever we happen to be.  Some of us have friends on Twitter, and we miss talking to them.  I wonder how everyone is doing.  I think maybe I'll have a cup of coffee and either blog or Tweet....stay tuned...

We just haven't been ourself (LOL!) lately.  That means we haven't felt like K, whatever that means.  Wait-I seem to remember K being out yesterday for a few hours.  I didn't have therapy last week, which bums us out, but the lady never called to tell me when to come in.  I suppose I should've called them, but that's really hard for us, calling people I mean.  I guess one of us will have to call them tomorrow.  The Good Daughter I assume. She's here most of the time lately, co-conscious with other K's. Co-consciousness means that you are more aware of what others in your system are doing; you know what they're feeling and thinking.  Like right now. The Good Daughter just spoke to Mom. I heard her. I guess that means our time is up...

Charging my phone now.  Prepare for Tweeting today- Yay! We've missed Twitter, and it's been difficult to keep our thoughts in our head and share them only with our psychiatrist, because we're still afraid to be totally open and honest with her.