This post is the continuation of the last post I wrote. This is the story of how K handled her mother's tearful goodbyes (brought on by her fear of imminent death). After my aunt came and picked up my mom and took her to the doctor, I had a mini breakdown in the living room. I did everything I knew to do to relieve some of the panic and stress. I drank beer, I took pills, I smoked pot, I journaled, I tweeted. I thought to myself that I just needed to hold it together until Husband got home. That seemed to take years, but at long last he was there and he took care of me for the remainder of the day and all throughout the night, into the next day. But I don't remember any of that. I only know what Husband told me happened, and what I found the next day written in my blog and my journal...and I have the note.
Before I get to that part, I need to tell you about what happened after Husband came home. He told me that I was quite upset and tearfully told him all that had happened with Mom. And he said I had a meltdown. He took me to the bedroom, put on some music, and tried to talk me down from my state of panic and fear. That's when he said that I became someone else, that K checked out and was just gone and this new K was in her place. He recognized that I had become another K, but he said he thought at first I was the one he calls Switch Kellie. After he'd talked to her for a few minutes, however, he realized that he was interacting with someone different. He said he'd never met her before, but I wouldn't know about that. He began to ask her questions in an attempt to get to know this new K. She told him she was the one who had all the information, that she knew all about K's DID and about the other K's; she told him she was like "the gatekeeper". Husband called this new K "Kellie Prime", because he said he felt as though this K was the one in charge. Of course, I have no way of knowing whether she's the leader of the pack or not. But I have the journal entry she wrote as well as a partial blog post. I suppose I'll post that partial post, just to have as an example of Kellie Prime's writing, and as a record of my switching for my psychiatrist.
This is what Kellie Prime left for K to find the next day in our blog:
We had a very interesting talk with Husband earlier. He was telling
me how I've been switching today. He told me he met 2 different K's
today, and that this was the first time he'd ever met either of them.
One of them I, myself, know very little about, or at least she hides and
doesn't come out much. The first K that presented herself to Husband
was very down-to-earth and practical and Husband says she seemed like
she knew a lot about what was going on within K. That would be me. Yes, I
do know a great deal about what is going on in K's mind. Her system,
they call it. Her internal world. We call it "Kellie World". I know
that I am here because of the stress of the day's events and that the
greater the stress, the bigger the obstacle, the more often we switch.
At first Husband thought I might be Switch Kellie, but after talking
with us for a few minutes, he realized I was someone else. I'm not sure
why, but he called me Kellie Prime. I'm not certain that's correct; it
implies that I am the host, and I'm not sure about that yet. We're
still trying to figure out everyone's job here in Kellie World. But I've
learned a great deal in the past 24 hours. I learned that K has an
alter (I really don't like that word) who is in charge of the
information about the other K's. That K, me, is very interested in
information, and in gathering information and sorting information. I
want to know the facts.
There is also a journal entry written by Kellie Prime. In it she talks about how hard it is for her to write with a pen and paper, because she's used to typing. She says that she's the K who comes from time to time whenever things get stressful. She also again mentions having information. Then there's a gap of 12 hours, and then there's a journal entry which talks about being more than one person, and about having both the information of Kellie Prime as well as the thoughts and feelings of K. I'm assuming this was written while we were in a state of co-consciousness. It says that we've had a talk with Husband, and that he explained to us about our switching...and then it goes on to say that according to Hubby, we switched right in front of him. He said we went from being Kellie Prime to being a little girl. He told us our face changed, and our expression disappeared and we were looking very far off and then we became a child. He said she was crying about her mommy being sick and that she was scared. He said she was only in the room for about 5 minutes. Just long enough to leave us this note:
Mommy very sick. She might die. We're scared. Just a little girl I can't
take care of me. Don't know what we'll do without Mom. She's our best
friend. She takes care of us. We don't know grown up stuff.I'm smart
though. I'm 6.
Husband told us that after those few minutes wherein The Little Girl was crying, talking about Mommy, and writing the note, that K's face went blank again, and her eyes closed, and she was unresponsive for about a minute or two. Then Kellie Prime was back with him, and she asked him what happened, and when he told her about how she'd switched into a child, she got very interested and began asking questions. She told him it was her job to have all the information, so she needed him to tell her everything he knew about The Little Girl. He didn't know much. But Kellie Prime told Husband that he had, in fact, met The Little Girl before. One day, a long time ago, he came home from work and found us hiding under the comforter on the bed. We were on our hands and knees and were talking to ourselves and rocking back and forth. He'd said that we told him we were scared of the people, and that we had to hide from the people outside the window. So Kellie Prime told all of this to Husband, and he was very kind and gentle with us, and understanding. He wasn't freaked out or anything, and don't you agree most people would be?
Eventually, we got tired and fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning, my brain was all fuzzy, and for a couple of hours, before I finished off my pot of coffee, I could still feel Kellie Prime at the surface of our reality, and I could think her thoughts. Eventually, she went back inside and I was K again. That's when I began investigating the time I'd lost the day before...and when I found the blog post and the journal entries, and when I decided that all of this might make good subject matter.