Saturday, May 26, 2012
Breathe, K. Slow, deep breaths...in...out...Get it together. Oh dear. We must get it together. One of us wanted to post the blog that the other K wrote, or maybe it was more than one of us who wanted that. At any rate, she wanted to be heard. She wanted to speak her mind. And so we let her. And now someone inside us is freaking out very, very badly. Since posting that last blog entry, I've developed a severe, splitting headache. I'm aware of someone screaming and yelling and crying and just all around having a hissy fit, someone somewhere inside of me. I'm having trouble catching my breath, I'm having chest pains, and I think I've been having a panic attack for about an hour now. Mouth is dry. Hard to swallow. Having trouble focusing my eyes on the screen. Hands are shaky, trembling. I feel like I might throw up. Every so often, a chill runs up my spine and I physically, violently shiver all over for just a moment. I can't breathe. I don't know if we can handle this. This might be too much. What is happening to us?? Who is so afraid and why? I think I might have an idea what the trigger was which brought the not-so-friendly K out. The blog post before the last one talks about me perhaps telling a friend about my DID. I think maybe that scared us K's so badly, the thought of making ourselves vulnerable, that this other K came to protect us. This hard-shelled K came out and let it be known that she would not be made to look foolish. It's obvious to me that she does NOT want me to share our secret with anyone. Whew. My heart is racing. I also think we're very worried about offending someone with that foul-mouthed blog post (that I didn't even write anyway!). Sorry folks. Such is the nature of Dissociative Identity Disorder: you never know what you're gonna get. If I go back through all the old blog entries, I can find other posts by her, but this is definitely the longest written rant she's ever gone off on, at least that I can remember. Here's an example of her typical writing: (Un)Happy Hour I'm sure there are others, I just happened to find this one. So you see, this new K is not new; she's been around for a long time...she just doesn't come out as frequently as she did when we were younger. Thank heavens for small miracles. She'd probably land us in jail if she stayed out.