NOTE: THIS POST WAS WRITTEN DURING ONE OF MY "BLACKOUTS". I HAVE NO MEMORY WRITING THIS, NOR DO I KNOW "WHO" WROTE IT. I'M NOT GOING TO DELETE IT (in spite of the fact that it contains grammatical errors, which drive me insane!) BECAUSE I FEEL IT COULD BE AN IMPORTANT CLUE. This blog is being written by me, or whomever, apparently it's not always ME doing the writing, (but I have no memory of the others right now) and it is FOR K and no one else and therefore I don't need to be embarrassed and feel self-conscious. After all, I'm not really promoting this blog, not really, or just barely-I've tweeted the link after writing a post which I'd like feedback on- (but I'm learning that people generally don't leave comments, there is no feedback, so that little experiment is out the window) so it shouldn't matter whether or not the post makes any sense. But that's not right, that bothers me, it's NOT PERFECT! I absolutely loathe the look and feel of the following post, I just have to say that up front. It, this mystery blog post, was titled "My First Lock-Up", but naturally I had to change that before posting this second version of today's writing, as it never actually talks about my being locked up.
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This story is very important to the development of our lead character, i.e. ME. Now we surely don't have the intense NEED to shower today (as in, no one had BO so bad that it became it's own entity), but since we were extra careful about now letting people see us on a "good day" (whatever that means), I timidly raised my hand--crazy talk right here--I spoke up and told a joke and made everyone laugh and I guess it amused me, but only in that ending, and after I spent all that time looking perfect, did I see that I'd "Help make someone smile today" and it annoyed me! I am fighting the urge to go back and delete certain posts. This is harder than I'd thought it would be. I had seemed to just want to be on Twitter, and so I made conscious efforts to avoid being on the phone with him for too long, lest he get suspicious. It upset Husband today that A) I'm still awake, and STILL " I am going to get this house organized, every last drop of it, until the day comes when he come back to check on me and I will be dead, he's too loud and boisterous. What is all of this called? I can't remember at the time... BUT--something interesting, perhaps too mundane to mention....But hey, I mind works like crazy! LOL pun intended
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That's the end of the post. It doesn't make any sense to me, (and I'm sure it makes even LESS sense to you) nor is it familiar to me in any way. I DO NOT remember writing that. This is what I call a "blackout", I know it's not the technical term but because we've not done enough studying on this subject, this new theory we have developed about our diagnosis, to give it a proper name, it shall just remain in MY words. (We must wait until the psychiatrist officially labels us) Feel free to take your own guesses; they'd be as good as mine, for I am lost here. This is all new to me. And I can't even BEGIN to tell you how disconcerting all of this is.
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